That was a result of the changes this place has wrought upon my body - not my own desires or lack of them.
[ Saber folds her arms. She really should just finish this conversation. She said what she wanted to say. ]
I practice restraint because it is the correct thing to do; to indulge pointlessly and heedless of the consequences helps no one. It distracts the mind from more important matters. Even here.
[ there is another slight delay in replies, like he is considering.
it is curious. just what does she want? ]
You are overlooking the obvious paradox, Saber.
You are a Monster. You are a volatile variety thereof, no less. That is the truth. It shall not always be possible for you to practice this restraint. In fact, it was precisely your restraint that led to this outcome, for you withheld from the action you should have taken. That was foolish of you.
Imagine if you had come across a lesser man that night. You might have left a corpse in your wake. You came to my embrace instead, and I helped you attend to your needs.
[ and that is how he chooses to see the entire dubious encounter. ]
That is not how I see it; I am fortunate that you were not injured or killed, however. [ Is she? Is she really? ]
I will find someone to bond with and this will no longer be an issue. It will be the end of it. And whether you think it is needed or no, I still apologize. Losing control is not befitting of a king.
[ so he was just a one-night stand to you, eh???? how cold. Winter's King, indeed. smh.
he feels a flash of raw jealousy and anger at her talk of Bonding. yes, even if he criticized her for not doing so. that does not mean he has to be graceful about the thought of her being with another. ]
Dishonesty is also not befitting of a king, Saber.
Perhaps you should face me again when you are ready to be truthful.
How have I been dishonest, King of Heroes? Or do you just see what you wish to see in me?
[ Which is really what it is, as far as she's concerned. He does not see her for her - only for what he wants as an ideal. An object to be placed on a pedestal for him to admire when he grows weary with his other treasures. ]
[ there no doubt is that, though he would not admit to it. however -- ]
You seem to forget that it is harder to keep secrets from a man you were Bonded to, even if it was a lesser Bond.
[ her feral state as indicative of her true desires... well, there is plausible deniability there. he thinks it was, but he cannot readily prove this. but he has a slightly better proof from their previous encounters. ]
You are dishonest in saying you find me entirely contemptuous. I felt your interest.
I can find you contemptuous and still find you interesting. You have felt the loneliness of being king; there is more to you than this arrogance and disdain for all the world that you put forward. Despite my better judgment, there is more to you than your greed and ego. And yet you cling to it.
[ Saber has never been one for psycho-analyzing, but hey. ]
That is what interests me, King of Heroes. Not your golden trappings and pointless decadence. But it seems that is all you wish to be: a hollow, golden statue, with little of substance.
[ she had certainly seemed in a more lucid state by the time she... left his company, that night. ]
You disdain what you find vulgar in me, yet in your moment of need, it was I who helped bring you to your senses. [ his tone, though, is light. maybe testing a reaction? hmm. ] Do you think that was purely selfish? Yet you do not seem to be angry on this point.
[ She does seem a touch flustered at that thought. ]
And it was partially my own fault for attacking you, as crazed as I was; I cannot entirely lay the blame at your feet. You did not take advantage of me.
[ Well, kind of. ]
Although I do not doubt you enjoyed yourself. [ UGH. She doesn't want to think about that too hard. ]
It does seem somewhat strange that your crazed nature should manifest in such a manner, though.
[ do you hate everything in your life that led up to his opportunity to make such an observation? ]
Why should a feral state make you wish for such a thing, Saber? To wish to kill me... yes, that may well be blamed on the Moon. Yet for your anger to manifest in such a manner... you truly think you might have behaved that way towards anyone?
[ it is kind of awful but he also kind of actually wonders now? ]
Tch... I shall not deny, I am not defied often. That anger did excite me. You even made me think I might possibly die. I had to exert myself against you. We are heroes. Of course it was thrilling.
You do not think I really believe that?
[ YES LISTEN ... that shit was violent af and he became brutally indignant over her audacity in having attacked him, but that threatening indignation is literally his foreplay horny mating call when in his right mind. it is just a deep unfortunate accident of the universe that his right mind and Saber's wrong mind converged on this point of thirst. but the point is his rude, thotty murmurs are... marginally... more respectful? a millimeter more? perhaps? ]
It is not "my nature". It is how this place has altered us. I do not expect you to believe anything - but I have made my apology. There is no point in discussing it.
[ Excuse her while she deflects. ]
It happened and I will not deny it. I will accept my responsibility for it allowing to continue as long as it did without being able to regain control. Insofar as you assisted me, I am grateful.
[ Although she doubts that it was his intent from the start. ]
I have no intent of... continuing any kind of dalliance. [ She lifts a hand - carefully, because she's still getting used to her claws - and rubs at her temple. ]
I see no point in concealing the fact that after our temporary bond, I have... a greater understanding of you, Gilgamesh and that that understanding has brought with it a certain interest in seeing what lies beneath the surface. You have been helpful and even courteous, despite yourself, and you seem to have friends here who claim that there is more to you and... I am beginning to be inclined to believe them. But do not mistake such feel as my wishing to become your wife. And do not think it means I am not on my guard.
[ She opens her eyes and gives the video a long look. ]
I remember what you did to me in my Grail War and although it was not you, it was still a "you" that exists.
Heh. You are not mistaken, Saber. The blood inside of me can burn quite hot indeed. You are a Servant, or you were, once. I believe you have some awareness of how volatile our kind can be.
[ you know. like Saber Alter? dark tyrant Saber? or maybe that whole Lion King singularity? you ain't without sin, wifey.
... well, though there is one crucial difference. the true Arturia, if this may be called the true Arturia (is there such a thing as "true," for them?) would be appalled by her alternate selves. but even if Gilgamesh might be more benign circumstantially, would he truly condemn another iteration of himself? no, probably not, but that is the crux of the difference in their world view. and it is a fairly significant difference. ]
Is that all you have to say? You contact me to apologize, yet when I say I am not offended, you seem to become angry. You are a strange woman, indeed. Ah, but I see the difference between us. I live in the moment and am not prone to looking backwards. That is what kingship means for me. If I contradict myself a moment later, that is my prerogative.
[ HNN...NGH.
... ]
But I would not be against cooperating with you further in the future. There is no Grail just now.
Yes; that is your philosophy and not one I can ascribe to. To live without regard for the consequences, to be without consideration.... you know that I cannot do that. I place my subjects before me and as much as you might think me weak and foolish for it, I will not yield that belief. For if one is to give up a dearly held belief merely because others think them wrong, what is the point of beliefs in the first place? I understand Gilgamesh, but I do not agree.
I hope that will be enough.
[ Back on this again. It always seems to come back to this.
But... ]
As I said when we first spoke, I have no reason to fight you in this place. Our truce continues. And if we have need of one another against some common enemy, then I will join my hand with yours for that purpose. My word is my bond, as always.
[ There's a beat. ]
Enkidu thinks highly of you, although we have spoken only briefly. I do not know their place in your legend. They said you are capable of more than what I see and contemplate and perhaps that is so.
I wished to apologize. That was all. Although perhaps I wished to see if your perspective had shifted all.
[ She rubs her forehead again. ]
There are those who think highly of you and those who think of you as little more than a villain and I am trying to understand you; as you said, our bond gave me a glimpse of insight. Is it wrong to seek understanding?
[ there is not even any malice there. not now. the bare fact is impossibly cruel to her perhaps, but it remains the truth. ]
No matter how purely you lived, some saw you as a hero and some as a villain. Arturia Pendragon. You lived so perfectly your kingdom turned against you. That is your legend.
You said you did not know the end of my legend? Very well! I shall tell you: in the end, I returned from the Underworld, and I rebuilt my kingdom. When I died, my era passed on. Yet I am here in the future, and now I may enjoy myself with my friend. Shall you now see my legend as hopeful or fault me for not looking backwards as you do? In any case, I weary of this argument about a war which does not even exist here.
Perhaps I should send you another of those animal glyphs.
[ Saber visibly starts a little and gives him (or her device, rather) a look. She had never considered herself the villain - had thought of her failings but never that she might not have been the hero. A failed one, perhaps, but still a hero. ]
I... did not give you leave to call me by that name.
[ Her voice is low, gaze distant. Camlann. Mordred and the others seeking to cut her down, her own people rising up - for what? Because she had spent too much time apart? Because she was too cold? There are many things she still wants to have done differently. Could they have seen her as a tyrant? Or unsuited to rule? There are gears turning in her head. ]
Gilgamesh. King of Heroes.
[ She says this after a long silence. ]
Are you happy? Content? Whatever word you choose to use.
[ he actually manages to soften his smile a little, even if that knowing and slightly disdainful look does not quite abate. ]
Saber, you know very well that a king, a hero, cannot remain happy during every moment. That is the human condition, is it not? We have needs. We have desires. We seek to either act upon or restrain our desires.
And sometimes, should our desires become strong enough, they conflict with the needs and desires of others.
When you pulled that Caliburn from the stone, it deemed you would be someone cursed with great desire -- the obsession of your kingdom. The vaster my desire, the more I consume it. I am happy, but each new moment requires a new point of stimulation.
[ he becomes bored almost instantaneously. of everything. maybe if she understood that... ]
You chase after a final point of desire, but I make each new moment burn with a new desire. Is that happiness?
[ but they just were not made to be happy with the... pursuits that others might be. they desire grand, epic stages. that is their ego, and hers is not so unlike his own. that is why she cannot be happy. and yet they are so different. ]
[ For once, there's wisdom in his words. And maybe that's what she's wanted to hear, from someone else who understands how achingly lonely it is to set yourself apart from your people, your kingdom, and everything else, all for the sake of being a good king and a good ruler. Her gaze stays distant, as if she's deep in thought. ]
I do not think I have ever been happy or content since I pulled Caliburn from that stone. But I would do so again in a heartbeat.
[ Because he's right - her desire burns bright, at the end of a long, hard road. She seeks that shining, glorious thing at the end of everything. Even if her goal now is to destroy herself. ]
You understand.
[ It is not a question but a statement of fact. She pauses again. ]
Perhaps I understand you better now, King of Heroes. But I should not linger on this device overlong.
[ of course he understands. should that surprise you? he was renowned for his wisdom. well, you might sometimes forget that, all considered. ]
Obviously, I do.
But Saber, I would not undo my legend. It is the story of my friend as well as myself. My peer with no equal. You fool -- should you undo your legend, what shall remain of your Camelot? Avalon was your dream, yet if you look backward, there may be no dreams. If you would pull that sword again, then your words simply contradict themselves.
[ but he expects she has some tortured rhetorical argument for how not-contradictory this is. but whatever. ]
Farewell, then, King of Knights. I shall certainly see you once more.
[ She doesn't wish to argue and perhaps she doesn't truly have an answer for it; it makes sense to her, in the depths of her own despair, but perhaps not to others. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Saber folds her arms. She really should just finish this conversation. She said what she wanted to say. ]
I practice restraint because it is the correct thing to do; to indulge pointlessly and heedless of the consequences helps no one. It distracts the mind from more important matters. Even here.
[ video ] 1/2
it is curious. just what does she want? ]
You are overlooking the obvious paradox, Saber.
You are a Monster. You are a volatile variety thereof, no less. That is the truth. It shall not always be possible for you to practice this restraint. In fact, it was precisely your restraint that led to this outcome, for you withheld from the action you should have taken. That was foolish of you.
Imagine if you had come across a lesser man that night. You might have left a corpse in your wake. You came to my embrace instead, and I helped you attend to your needs.
[ and that is how he chooses to see the entire dubious encounter. ]
There is nothing to apologize for.
2/2 text
video;
That is not how I see it; I am fortunate that you were not injured or killed, however. [ Is she? Is she really? ]
I will find someone to bond with and this will no longer be an issue. It will be the end of it. And whether you think it is needed or no, I still apologize. Losing control is not befitting of a king.
no subject
he feels a flash of raw jealousy and anger at her talk of Bonding. yes, even if he criticized her for not doing so. that does not mean he has to be graceful about the thought of her being with another. ]
Dishonesty is also not befitting of a king, Saber.
Perhaps you should face me again when you are ready to be truthful.
no subject
[ Which is really what it is, as far as she's concerned. He does not see her for her - only for what he wants as an ideal. An object to be placed on a pedestal for him to admire when he grows weary with his other treasures. ]
I make no apologies for saying what I have said.
no subject
You seem to forget that it is harder to keep secrets from a man you were Bonded to, even if it was a lesser Bond.
[ her feral state as indicative of her true desires... well, there is plausible deniability there. he thinks it was, but he cannot readily prove this. but he has a slightly better proof from their previous encounters. ]
You are dishonest in saying you find me entirely contemptuous. I felt your interest.
[ A H E M... ]
no subject
[ Saber has never been one for psycho-analyzing, but hey. ]
That is what interests me, King of Heroes. Not your golden trappings and pointless decadence. But it seems that is all you wish to be: a hollow, golden statue, with little of substance.
no subject
[ she had certainly seemed in a more lucid state by the time she... left his company, that night. ]
You disdain what you find vulgar in me, yet in your moment of need, it was I who helped bring you to your senses. [ his tone, though, is light. maybe testing a reaction? hmm. ] Do you think that was purely selfish? Yet you do not seem to be angry on this point.
[ well. other points. you know. ]
no subject
[ She does seem a touch flustered at that thought. ]
And it was partially my own fault for attacking you, as crazed as I was; I cannot entirely lay the blame at your feet. You did not take advantage of me.
[ Well, kind of. ]
Although I do not doubt you enjoyed yourself. [ UGH. She doesn't want to think about that too hard. ]
no subject
[ do you hate everything in your life that led up to his opportunity to make such an observation? ]
Why should a feral state make you wish for such a thing, Saber? To wish to kill me... yes, that may well be blamed on the Moon. Yet for your anger to manifest in such a manner... you truly think you might have behaved that way towards anyone?
[ it is kind of awful but he also kind of actually wonders now? ]
Tch... I shall not deny, I am not defied often. That anger did excite me. You even made me think I might possibly die. I had to exert myself against you. We are heroes. Of course it was thrilling.
You do not think I really believe that?
[ YES LISTEN ... that shit was violent af and he became brutally indignant over her audacity in having attacked him, but that threatening indignation is literally his foreplay horny mating call when in his right mind. it is just a deep unfortunate accident of the universe that his right mind and Saber's wrong mind converged on this point of thirst. but the point is his rude, thotty murmurs are... marginally... more respectful? a millimeter more? perhaps? ]
no subject
[ Excuse her while she deflects. ]
It happened and I will not deny it. I will accept my responsibility for it allowing to continue as long as it did without being able to regain control. Insofar as you assisted me, I am grateful.
[ Although she doubts that it was his intent from the start. ]
I have no intent of... continuing any kind of dalliance. [ She lifts a hand - carefully, because she's still getting used to her claws - and rubs at her temple. ]
I see no point in concealing the fact that after our temporary bond, I have... a greater understanding of you, Gilgamesh and that that understanding has brought with it a certain interest in seeing what lies beneath the surface. You have been helpful and even courteous, despite yourself, and you seem to have friends here who claim that there is more to you and... I am beginning to be inclined to believe them. But do not mistake such feel as my wishing to become your wife. And do not think it means I am not on my guard.
[ She opens her eyes and gives the video a long look. ]
I remember what you did to me in my Grail War and although it was not you, it was still a "you" that exists.
no subject
Heh. You are not mistaken, Saber. The blood inside of me can burn quite hot indeed. You are a Servant, or you were, once. I believe you have some awareness of how volatile our kind can be.
[ you know. like Saber Alter? dark tyrant Saber? or maybe that whole Lion King singularity? you ain't without sin, wifey.
... well, though there is one crucial difference. the true Arturia, if this may be called the true Arturia (is there such a thing as "true," for them?) would be appalled by her alternate selves. but even if Gilgamesh might be more benign circumstantially, would he truly condemn another iteration of himself? no, probably not, but that is the crux of the difference in their world view. and it is a fairly significant difference. ]
Is that all you have to say? You contact me to apologize, yet when I say I am not offended, you seem to become angry. You are a strange woman, indeed. Ah, but I see the difference between us. I live in the moment and am not prone to looking backwards. That is what kingship means for me. If I contradict myself a moment later, that is my prerogative.
[ HNN...NGH.
... ]
But I would not be against cooperating with you further in the future. There is no Grail just now.
no subject
I hope that will be enough.
[ Back on this again. It always seems to come back to this.
But... ]
As I said when we first spoke, I have no reason to fight you in this place. Our truce continues. And if we have need of one another against some common enemy, then I will join my hand with yours for that purpose. My word is my bond, as always.
[ There's a beat. ]
Enkidu thinks highly of you, although we have spoken only briefly. I do not know their place in your legend. They said you are capable of more than what I see and contemplate and perhaps that is so.
no subject
What do you wish to see me do, Saber?
[ he flexes his fingers. your dull-ass sincerity really just wears on him sometimes, you know. so fine, he will just ask you. ]
You seem to want to extract something of me in this conversation.
no subject
[ She seems slightly startled by the question. ]
I wished to apologize. That was all. Although perhaps I wished to see if your perspective had shifted all.
[ She rubs her forehead again. ]
There are those who think highly of you and those who think of you as little more than a villain and I am trying to understand you; as you said, our bond gave me a glimpse of insight. Is it wrong to seek understanding?
no subject
[ there is not even any malice there. not now. the bare fact is impossibly cruel to her perhaps, but it remains the truth. ]
No matter how purely you lived, some saw you as a hero and some as a villain. Arturia Pendragon. You lived so perfectly your kingdom turned against you. That is your legend.
You said you did not know the end of my legend? Very well! I shall tell you: in the end, I returned from the Underworld, and I rebuilt my kingdom. When I died, my era passed on. Yet I am here in the future, and now I may enjoy myself with my friend. Shall you now see my legend as hopeful or fault me for not looking backwards as you do? In any case, I weary of this argument about a war which does not even exist here.
Perhaps I should send you another of those animal glyphs.
no subject
I... did not give you leave to call me by that name.
[ Her voice is low, gaze distant. Camlann. Mordred and the others seeking to cut her down, her own people rising up - for what? Because she had spent too much time apart? Because she was too cold? There are many things she still wants to have done differently. Could they have seen her as a tyrant? Or unsuited to rule? There are gears turning in her head. ]
Gilgamesh. King of Heroes.
[ She says this after a long silence. ]
Are you happy? Content? Whatever word you choose to use.
no subject
Saber, you know very well that a king, a hero, cannot remain happy during every moment. That is the human condition, is it not? We have needs. We have desires. We seek to either act upon or restrain our desires.
And sometimes, should our desires become strong enough, they conflict with the needs and desires of others.
When you pulled that Caliburn from the stone, it deemed you would be someone cursed with great desire -- the obsession of your kingdom. The vaster my desire, the more I consume it. I am happy, but each new moment requires a new point of stimulation.
[ he becomes bored almost instantaneously. of everything. maybe if she understood that... ]
You chase after a final point of desire, but I make each new moment burn with a new desire. Is that happiness?
[ but they just were not made to be happy with the... pursuits that others might be. they desire grand, epic stages. that is their ego, and hers is not so unlike his own. that is why she cannot be happy. and yet they are so different. ]
no subject
I do not think I have ever been happy or content since I pulled Caliburn from that stone. But I would do so again in a heartbeat.
[ Because he's right - her desire burns bright, at the end of a long, hard road. She seeks that shining, glorious thing at the end of everything. Even if her goal now is to destroy herself. ]
You understand.
[ It is not a question but a statement of fact. She pauses again. ]
Perhaps I understand you better now, King of Heroes. But I should not linger on this device overlong.
no subject
Obviously, I do.
But Saber, I would not undo my legend. It is the story of my friend as well as myself. My peer with no equal. You fool -- should you undo your legend, what shall remain of your Camelot? Avalon was your dream, yet if you look backward, there may be no dreams. If you would pull that sword again, then your words simply contradict themselves.
[ but he expects she has some tortured rhetorical argument for how not-contradictory this is. but whatever. ]
Farewell, then, King of Knights. I shall certainly see you once more.
no subject
Farewell, King of Heroes.
[ Click. ]